FULL ENTRANCE POLICY TO ONE CHILL

let’s get one thing straight: this is not your typical, drop-in-with-your-boys night out. at one chill we have standards—and we don’t open our doors to just anyone. to gain entry, each and every group must include at least one canadian. yes, you read that right. if you’re a non-canadian, we hope you have friends up north because, without them, you’re not getting in. this policy is non-negotiable. let’s proceed.

1. canadian quota requirement

• each group must contain a minimum of one canadian citizen. not a “canadian at heart,” not someone “who visited montreal once,” and definitely not someone “who’s great at making poutine.” we require real, verifiable canadians with a passport to prove it. we reserve the right to quiz them on canadian provincial capitals if we feel they’re faking it.

2. size matters

• maximum group size is eight. if your group is over this size, it must contain at least two canadians. groups larger than eight will be split up by our bouncers into smaller groups, and each mini-group must still have its own designated canadian. we don’t care if your friend steve just “really wants to celebrate his birthday with everyone together.” rules are rules.

3. the canadian verification process

• all canadians are subject to a quick verification upon arrival. this will include:

• a valid canadian id check (preferably with a maple leaf or beaver insignia somewhere on it for easy identification).

• verification of canadian vernacular. if your designated canadian cannot casually work the words “eh,” “loonies and toonies,” or “tim hortons” into a sentence, entry may be denied.

• optional questions about canadian trivia, such as “what’s a double-double?” and “name three tragically hip songs.” answers will be scored on sincerity, delivery, and accuracy. canadians who overdo it to prove a point will be asked to “dial it down.”

4. maple leaf clause

• for those attempting to “pass as canadian” by wearing maple leaf apparel, understand that while you may gain our respect, you will not gain entry. wearing red and white, painting a maple leaf on your face, or clutching a bottle of maple syrup is not a substitute for actual canadian citizenship. we’re flattered, but we’re not amused.

5. quebecois exception

• quebecois patrons are permitted entry but may not attempt to pass off “being from quebec” as the same as being from canada. we recognize that many quebecois prefer to distinguish themselves, and we respect this. however, the entry requirement remains: if you’re in a group of quebecois citizens only, you will still need a canadian citizen from outside quebec. don’t argue; just bring a friend from ontario and avoid the hassle.

6. canadian ratio enforcement

• your canadian is not a mascot. we will be monitoring groups to ensure that the canadian is not simply being used as a ticket to entry. if we sense that your canadian has been dragged along solely to meet our requirements, entry will be delayed until we can verify genuine camaraderie. if your canadian friend is visibly annoyed or expresses any form of discomfort about being here, you may be ejected immediately. canadians are not to be exploited.

7. party dynamics check

• our bouncers are trained to sniff out disingenuous group dynamics. if you’ve included a canadian friend who doesn’t actually know anyone in the group, we’ll know. if we detect strained small talk or polite but distant body language, the whole group may be asked to wait until the canadian can confirm they know everyone’s middle name, favorite comfort food, and birth month.

8. canadian pride standards

• canadians are generally subtle, polite people, and we expect them to act accordingly. any canadian seen overtly boasting about their “canadian-ness,” shoving their passport in people’s faces, or singing “o canada” to impress the bouncers will be denied entry on principle. pride is internal, not performative.

9. single canadian policy

• for groups of four or more: only one canadian per group may be single. we do not allow large groups of single canadians, as it’s been shown to upset the group dynamics on the dance floor. canadians must pair up with either another canadian in a committed relationship or be attending with non-canadian significant others. this rule is strictly enforced.

10. tim hortons clause

• if the designated canadian brings any item from tim hortons, including but not limited to timbits, coffee, or a cruller, they are eligible for immediate entry without further delay. however, if we suspect this is merely a ploy to bypass our rigorous process, the entire group may be required to stand in line and wait until a new round of canadian trivia is available.

11. diversity quota

• at no point shall the total number of canadians in the club exceed 50% of the guest list. one chill prides itself on inclusivity and diversity, but we are still an international venue. once we reach our canadian quota for the night, no further canadians will be admitted until there is a suitable decrease in the population. please plan your night accordingly.

12. friendship verification

• any group with a canadian who seems too eager to prove they “have canadian friends” will be subjected to a friendship verification process. this includes impromptu questions on shared experiences, familiarity with each other’s lives, and group dynamics checks. if we detect that the canadian is a token friend or was only recently introduced to the group, entry may be reconsidered.

13. immediate denial offenses

• groups attempting entry with any of the following:

• a faux canadian accent or forced use of “eh” and “aboot” as a joke.

• staging “welcome to canada” skits with moose hats or mountie uniforms.

• loudly debating if ryan reynolds or ryan gosling is the better canadian. (we will not tolerate this inanity at our door.)

• any mention of a canadian trying to use their “canadian niceness” to cut the line.

and remember, we’re not here to provide entry counseling. bring your canadian or don’t bother showing up.